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Finland Doesn’t Exist (Conspiracy Theory)

– Fact: Finland doesn’t exist. – Let’s talk about that. (funky electronic music) (fire crackles) Good Mythical Morning. – I’m gonna level with you right off the bat, Link. I’m sitting on something huge. Not literally. But you’re about to be blown away, literally, because I’m about to open a window and let the frosty air of truth rattle the bones of the sleeping lemmings, strewn across the globe, so comfortably tucked into their warm sheets of ignorance, and when you wake, don’t bother wiping the crust from your eyes because I’ve already taken that crust and I’ve eaten it and I’ve liked it! It’s time for another edition of Hard Truth.

– Yay. – We’ve all heard of Finland, that quaint little country nestled between Sweden and Russia with the beautiful northern nights and the famously low crime rate. Well there’s actually a good reason that Finland’s crime rate is so low. It’s because Finland doesn’t exist. – Finland doesn’t exist. I’m actually interested in this. What are you going to present to convince me? – Link, I need you to direct attention to my map. – Okay. – There’s my map. – Great map, Rhett. I can see it has Finland on it. – This is traditionally where people think that Finland is. But I’m here to tell you that it isn’t just that Finland isn’t a country. I’m here to expose the fact that there is absolutely no land between Russia and Sweden at all, Link. That’s your Finland right there, boy. Here’s the underlying truth you need to know. – Don’t call me boy. You know what, do call me boy. Just get through with it. – Man, you want me to call you man? – Get on with it. – In the Cold War era, Japan and the Soviet Union worked together to spread the lie that there was a land mass known as Finland between the Soviet Union and Sweden.

And you might ask, why did they do this? – Why did they do this? – Great question, Link. They did it so they could keep all the good fishing between the Soviet Union and Sweden to themselves. The fish would then be shared and shipped all the way across the Trans-Siberian Railway. (metal clatters) – You broke that. It was worth it. – You see Link, they get the fish from here. They ship it to Japan on the Trans-Siberian Railway and in case that’s tough to follow, I brought a visual aid. (objects clattering) Link, you know what those are called? – Swedish Fish. – Swedish Fish! I couldn’t find Swedish slash Russian fish, which would be called Swussian Fish, so just so you would remember, you can feel free to eat those. – Thank you. – And speaking of candy, popular culture would have you believe that the so-called Finnish people can’t get enough of a candy known as salmiakki which is some sort of super salty licorice. We’ve had it on the show before, Link, why don’t you have some more of this? Have some candy.

– ‘Cause I’m already eating this. – Well it’s time to move on, boy. (chuckles) Let’s enjoy this together, why don’t we? – Puh! – Mm, mm. What do you think about that? – This is absolutely horrible. – I thought you would say that. – But the experience has been great up to this point. – I thought you might say that, but you know what, personally, I love this. I love it so much that I could finish the entire bag. – You could what? – Finish– (coughs) The entire bag, and listen, I know that’s weird. I know it’s weird that I like these. Nobody liked this stuff so you expect me to believe that there’s a whole nation full of nothing but people like me out there? Do you know what a country full of mes would even look like? Let me tell ya. For starters, it would be a land of giants. And these giants would be of superior intelligence. – Okay. – All of them, genius giants. – Oh lord. – And every genius giant would be assigned a personal assistant.

A personal assistant that was a little shorter, wore glasses, have salt and pepper hair, and was quite possibly not a genius. Oh, and everything would be made of wood. The ground, the mountains, the lakes, all those little assistants would stare in amazement at all the wood and they would say, “That is some big wood.” Plus, there would be thousands of prisons filled with nothing but cats and the national dish would be anything because there would be no picky eaters! It almost goes without saying that a perfect nation like this does not exist. You got any questions, Link? – Actually yeah, I have plenty of questions. – And you know what, I have the answers and I don’t even need to hear the questions.

No, the Finnish people aren’t in on the conspiracy. They think they’re from Finland but they actually live in eastern Sweden, western Russia, and northern Estonia. Other governments around the world now go along with the conspiracy because the idea of Finland has become a utopian ideal for every other country to aspire to. (whip cracks) All the GPS and satellite images are forged. And finally, why did they decide to call it Finland? Well I think we all know the answer to this one. (map clatters) (mysterious electronic music) Finland. Foolish ignoramuses naively living on earth will never discover our little secret. I think we can safely declare this theory is true and just end the episode now. Thanks for liking, commenting and subscribing. – Um. (clears throat) Really? As much as I would love for this episode to be over at this point, I’m not convinced. I believe in Finland. – You still think that Finland is a country? – Sorry. – Well have a look at this. Here’s the church, here’s the steeple, open it up and take a look at this, sheeple. A simple Twitter search yielded this from user 4vflower. The country of Finland doesn’t exist.

– Oh, okay, now you’re onto it. – But what else does 4vflower know? Well right after that tweet, he or she cryptically tweeted a rather disturbing photo, and kids at home, you’re not gonna wanna look at this. Link, take a look at this. – A snowman that wasn’t made properly. – If you still have an appetite, well I’m gonna ask you to chew on this. A simple reverse Google image search of this dark and twisted illustration tells us that it’s from the 2017 Michael Fassbender thriller The Snowman. Easel number two. – We had to invest in a second easel so he could do this. – This is the movie poster for The Snowman. Direct your attention towards– – All right, I’m looking at it already! – Mister police, you could have saved her. I gave you all the clues. The clues. The clues! What clues, 4vflower? Is what you might ask if I had not already figured this out for you. The Snowman is based on the novel by the same name written by Jo Nesbo. – Who? – Jo Nesbo.

And guess where Jo Nesbo is from. – Finland. – No, Norway. But Nesbo did win a special commendation for excellence in foreign crime writing from the Finnish Academy of Crime Writers. And now, why would a country that doesn’t exist need an academy of crime writers? Well, I wanted to find out so I called this supposed academy in Finland and this is the answer that I got. – You called them? – Yes. – Announcement. Welcome to Verizon Wireless. Long distance or international dialing is not included with your service. To inquire about adding long distance or international dialing, hang up and dial *611 send from your wireless phone. – The plot thickens, Link. – You need to change your plan. – Okay now let me wrap this– – In every way. – Let me wrap this conspiracy theory, nay conspiracy fact up with a few final pieces of damning evidence.

You ever seen the so-called Finnish language? – I can’t say that I have. – Well Link, when you Google– – Oh. – Longest word in the Finnish language, this is what comes up. And I know what you’re thinking. That’s not a word, that’s the sound your butt cheeks make when you go down a water slide naked. (Link chuckles) The people behind this fake language say the word’s definition is someone who is an aeroplane jet turbine motor assistant mechanic, a non-commissioned officer in training, and if you believe that is an actual profession, I’ve got a bridge to sell you and it’s a bridge that connects Russia with Sweden! Over the water, that’s there.

You remember, there’s water there. There’s not a country. Now, this part is where I really start to lose my cool because the powers that be, the masterminds behind this conspiracy, they’ve become so confident that we’ll just believe whatever fantastical facts of Finnish fancy they dream up that frankly, it’s getting insulting. For instance, am I supposed to believe this local news story about Helsinki? – This recently opened Burger King in Helsinki features an in-store spa, complete with sauna, shower room, locker room, and lounge. Customers can sit in the sauna in nothing but Burger King branded towels and robes or they can watch TV, play video games and relax. – It’s Burger King, not a resort. – A Burger King with a sauna in it. This is completely unnecessary. If you’re eating at a Burger King, you’ve already got the meat sweats. Or how about this, Link? – You’re actually starting to make sense. – When you get a PhD in Finland, you also get a top hat and a sword. You know what, this is shorter than what I’m used to.

(chuckles) – That’s not the top hat I’m used to. – Hey, look at me! I’m a Finnish doctor. I’m gonna cut out your tonsils with my sword. By the way, tonsils are also fake, but that will be a separate episode. Now finally, what country would be complete without an official coat of arms? Those shady, international string pullers sat back, stroked their little chin hairs and thought of the perfect way to troll us all with a perfect subliminal coat of arms.

Check it out, Link. Actually that’s another poster of Jo Nesbo. I have a lot of those. Check out this coat of arms, Link. – Oh wow. – The Finnish coat of arms is comprised of a lion that appears to be stabbing himself in the face and laughing. A lion? A lyin’? Hello! They been lyin’ to us since the Cold War and laughing in our faces about it, and it’s been right there on their coat of arms the entire time! This coat of arms might as well be a giant middle finger taking a dump! Somebody give me some salmiakki. Oh here it is right next to me. – I’m inspired by this. If you know what I mean. (crew chuckles) Thanks for liking, commenting and subscribing. – You know what time it is. – I’m Tyler. – I’m Beth. – I’m Elena. – I’m Hudson. – And this is Rhett. And we are in Lapland, Finland at Santa Claus Village. – And it’s time to spin the Wheel of Mythicality! – Mythicality! – Woo! – They appear to be in Finland.

(chuckles) (crew laughs) It’s okay, man. It’s okay. – You didn’t name him after me, I know. It’s a common name, it just happens every once in awhile. If you wanna watch Ellie and Christine explain their conspiracy theory about Khloe Kardashian’s real father in Good Mythical More, click the top link. – And to find out where the Wheel of Mythicality’s gonna land. Wanna watch our Tour of Mythicality? Suit yourself. The Tour of Mythicality special is available now on YouTube, iTunes, Amazon, and a wide variety of platforms including most cable TV providers. .

As found on Youtube

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